“My Employee Doesn’t Accept Me as Their Boss – What Should I Do?”
My online seminar “From Colleague to Manager” is starting another round. Before each session, participants have the opportunity to outline their challenges and expectations in advance.
One of the most frequent questions I’m asked – and which was again on my whiteboard this time – is:
“What can I do when I’m not accepted as a leader?”
This situation can be particularly challenging for new leaders or those who have been promoted from within the team. You might encounter skeptical looks, open resistance, or subtle sabotage of your decisions. But what lies beneath this? And, most importantly, what can you concretely do to be accepted as a leader?
In this blog post, I want to offer you some suggestions on these very questions.
Here are three key levers that can help you:
1. Clearly Demonstrate That You Are Taking Leadership and Clarify Mutual Expectations from the Start.
One of the biggest mistakes new leaders make is simply diving in without establishing a clear foundation for collaboration.
This is especially unfavorable if you were previously colleagues and have now transitioned into a leadership role. I often hear phrases like, “Nothing has really changed, except I’m the boss now.” However, it’s logical that if “nothing has really changed,” employees will also find it difficult to accept the change.
Therefore, it’s important to initiate a conversation with the team early on and discuss the change. A kick-off conversation helps prevent misunderstandings and creates a good basis for collaboration.
The following points should be clarified in this conversation:
- Clarify Your Own Role:
“It’s important to me that we work well together. My task as a leader is to support the team, but also to make clear decisions.” - Formulate Expectations:
“I value open communication and discussing challenges together. What is important to you in our collaboration?” - Provide Space for Questions:
“From your perspective, are there any uncertainties or points that concern you?”
Especially if you were previously a colleague, such a conversation is essential. It helps to shed old role perceptions and create a new, shared framework for collaboration.
2. Strengthen the Relationship and Try to Understand the Underlying Reasons.
Resistance against a leader often has deeper causes. Perhaps your employee had a close relationship with your predecessor, feels overlooked, had ambitions for the leadership position themselves, or is uncertain about what the change means for them.
Here, it’s important to address the topic openly.
- Start by describing the problem and then listen actively.
“I have the impression that there are tensions in our collaboration. For example, I’ve noticed that you frequently question my decisions or don’t share important information with me. Can you tell me how you see the situation and what specifically is bothering you?” - Show understanding for the other person’s perspective.
“I can understand that this change is unfamiliar for you. It’s important to me that we find a good way forward.” - Afterwards, discuss alternative courses of action with your employee.
The following methods can help you:
- Ask Open Questions:
“From your point of view, what is needed for us to collaborate well?”
“What framework conditions or agreements would help you feel comfortable in this new setup?” - Seek Solutions Together:
“I am willing to address your points as far as possible. At the same time, I also need your commitment to a respectful collaboration.” - Make Your Position Clear:
“I have taken on the responsibility of leadership and want to fulfill this role well. I would be pleased if we could shape this together.”
An open conversation can resolve many misunderstandings and create the basis for a better relationship.
3. Act Consistently to Be Accepted as a Leader: Leadership Requires Clarity.
Showing understanding does not mean you have to accept everything. If your efforts to improve the situation bear no fruit and an employee persistently questions your role or acts disrespectfully, it’s time for a clear stance.
- Set Boundaries:
“I understand that you need time to adjust to the new situation. At the same time, I expect us to work together respectfully and professionally.” - Outline Consequences:
“If we want to continue working effectively together in the future, we need to find a common ground. I will not accept a persistent rejection of my role.” - Remain Consistent:
“If you continue to have difficulties, let’s discuss how we can resolve this. I will not tolerate a working relationship where my role is not accepted.”
Leadership requires courage, clarity, and consistency. If you constantly find yourself justifying your actions or hesitating, your team will sense it – and your employee even more so.
Summary: Actively Shaping Your Own Role
Acceptance as a leader doesn’t happen automatically – it’s the result of your attitude and your actions. If you feel you are not being accepted, ask yourself:
- Did I set clear expectations from the beginning?
- Have I genuinely engaged with the underlying reasons and concerns of my employee?
- Have I made it clear that respect and collaboration are non-negotiable?
In my online seminar “From Colleague to Manager,” we will delve deeper into precisely these questions and further elaborate on these solution approaches. If you would also like to discuss such or similar questions with other leaders, I would be delighted to welcome you to my seminar.
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